Confidence is critical for leaders at all levels in the organization. During my 14 years as an executive coach, I have heard clients share this statement with me again and again – “Their actions made me feel.” Yes, people’s actions can instigate an automatic response from your nervous system, but once the emotion occurs you control what happens next. This is the fork in the road of your brain. You can go to a “Confidence Eroding Response” or “Confidence Building Response.”
Confidence Eroding Thoughts
- I am responsible for their emotional response
- I am responsible for their anxiety
- I am responsible for their anger
- I am responsible for their emotional strain with one of their co-workers
- I am responsible for their poor performance
- I shared my observations, insights and recommendations with confidence and they got defensive, it must be my fault
Confidence Building Thoughts
- I am responsible for my response
- I am responsible to manage my own anxiety. I cannot manage their anxiety. I can empathize and observe.
- I am responsible for how I manage my frustration and anger. I can say “It seems like this is really upsetting you.”
- I am responsible for my own relationships. I cannot possibly fix their emotional problems
- I am responsible to set expectations, hold them accountable, provide feedback and see their strengths
- I am not responsible for their defensive behavior. I am responsible for my actions and my response to their defensiveness.
Be mindful of what you are telling yourself. It can either erode or build confidence!